5 ½ tips for your first year of university

Laughter is the best medicine for Pre-Uni woes.


Your first year of university is like saying you prefer Promite over Vegemite. You don’t have
any friends, you may think you know a lot, but obviously, you don’t, and your family won’t
see you very often anymore. Fortunately (or unfortunately) you have me, a third-year
student, who has experienced the trials and tribulations of the university experience.

5. The first tutorial

Now expect in the first week to essentially have every tutorial be a 2-hour get-to- know-you
session. Remember to recite your name carefully, state your degree, and share something
interesting about yourself.

The last part can be a real kick in the HECS if you aren’t ready for
it: I said that I was an only child, that’s not even slightly interesting, that’s just being lonely.
So come prepared, are you from the year 2010 and part of a Glee club? Well, treat your
peers to an acapella rendition of 2pac’s Hit em up! Not musically talented? Just say your
grand-mother once rode a unicycle around Australia on a gigantic pub-crawl.

BOOM you’ve just made a killer first impression!

4. Lectures

Ah yes, lectures, a hybrid of re-dated PowerPoint slides and high school assemblies, except
there’s learning! Now, just a quick note, the internet does not exist; there is literally
nowhere else you can watch the lecture. So please, bring in the empty half of your English
notebook from year 12 that has “school sux” and “Liam loves Ms. Dolores” written on the

Remember, every single sound that the lecturer makes will ultimately be an answer to
a question in an assignment or an exam. Write every single thing they say, about anything,
down in your book really fast, to the point whereby the time you graduate your hands will
have crippling arthritis. Now, as the semester progresses you may notice that there are less
and less people in your lecture theatre, this is because they have died from the plague.

So be careful who you sit next to!

4 (again). The first group assignment

Group assignments are designed to make you understand what it is like to be part of a team
in the workforce. But this is not true; group assignments are actually like being part of the
TV show, Survivor. There will be alliances, lies, and deception, not to mention that week by
week one student will put out their torch and never return to the designated meeting place

However, some of these disappearing students will come back…THE MORNING OF

2 fast 2 furious. Making friends

Making friends at university is very different to making friends anywhere else. There is a
particular art to it, don’t engage in friend making until the second week, which will allow
you to say to the person sitting next to you “I don’t know if I can do these 9 am starts for a
semester aye”.

If you wish to strike a conversation with a law student, simply compliment
them on their Ralph Lauren polo or their Gucci handbag. Ensure that you also act
sympathetic when they tell you they only got a Golf for Christmas, not a Range Rover (which
they specifically asked for). Halfway through the semester and still no luck? Perhaps ask the
age-old question “How do you think you went on that assignment?” then you can both
speak of all your short-comings and hatred for the assignment.

Before you know it, you will form a tight-knit group of friends before they inevitably defer or change courses.

1. Being punctual

Now it’s always necessary to come to class on time for some reason, but just how is that
possible every single morning? Public transport is often as late as you are starting your
assignments and driving will send you into a spiralling petrol debt.

However, there is an alternative; an ancient society exists that was founded on every campus almost five years
ago. The Hidden Punctual People live on campus in plain view, they look no different to you
or me, but as soon as the lights turn off, they come out to sleep. That’s it for that tips. I got
this far and began to run out of ideas so just sleep on campus if you’re that worried.

½ . How to get a HD on every assignment

Universities will hate you! This secret technique will guarantee the highest grade possible on
every assignment you do put your ramen noodle covered fingers on! Just read very very
carefully at what I tell you next, and you will without a doubt be on par with academic
superstars such as Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and the rapper B.O.B (who currently
states that the earth is flat). Okay, now it’s time for me to reveal to you the most crucial
piece of information you will ever receive in your life. To get a HD on every assignment, you

Well, there’s my 5 1/2 tips as promised. I’d like to personally apologise to the law students
and wish you all good luck in your academic endeavours.

Words by Isaac Freeman.

Illustration by Sascha Tan.

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