Ah sex, sometimes it feels like everything is euphoric and it’s the best thing since sliced bread, other times it’s just plain shit and you end up feeling like a sweaty ragdoll. Although there’s many ways to get down to business, it seems like some ways – more specifically some positions – were made up just so people could say they’ve done them (without much thought for their practicality or sensual benefits). While making sex into a game of twister might seem fun, if the position puts you out of breath before you even start, it’s probably not worth it. So for this month’s review, we’ve gone to the trouble of warning our fellow readers about those awkward sex positions that you’re better off avoiding. We aren’t telling you not to do them or that they’re bad (as long as they’re done consensually), we just want you to be aware of the occupational hazards that come with the territory.
Keep in mind that awkward sex doesn’t discriminate, these positions are suitable for all sexualities, genders and partner/s. It may involve some imagination, but strap on some favourite augmentations, tweak some of the positions slightly and we should all be good to go…or not. Preferably not. Let’s not try these please.
If you were to associate an insect with sex you might get a few questioning looks, but if you equated sex with a spider, then you’d get extra special attention. Spiders are the antithesis to sex (I must confess this review may be biased against the eight-legged behemoths, as I have a deeply turbulent past with them). Aside from the less-than-ideal naming of the position, the spider looks physically uncomfortable, requiring both partners to be fulltime CrossFitters just to stay in position. If all of that doesn’t put you off, then keep going until you mush your bits together in a satisfactory way, or your arms and legs grow tired and collapse into a pile of frustration and embarrassment. If you can avoid the potential injury and overlook the unfortunate name, this is all yours.
The Triumph Arch
No Lumbar support, how irresponsible! Look, sex is meant to be fun (emphasis on meant), however you might not think that after trying this one out. You shouldn’t have to be a super-bendy yoga fanatic, a life-long ballet dancer, or gravity-defying contortionist to enjoy sex. If laying with your body under your feet has never been a problem, then go ahead. You’ll want to keep your fingers crossed that you can last this one without cramps or hyperextending your knees. Actually, don’t cross your fingers, you’re going need all the lose appendages you can. Surviving this position is the real triumph.
Don’t go chasing this waterfall. This position is maybe the most accurately named, because it will be flooding with a certain kind of water downstream: tears of regret. Just thinking about it is painful. Like a waterfall, go too far beyond your depth and it can be fatal. Similar to swimming though, I think the general consensus is that you wait 20 minutes after eating before trying this one, remember to breathe, and try not to break your neck. Too much blood in your head means not enough in your genitals…I’ll let you do the maths. In all likelihood, one of you is probably going to pass out before you get to the good stuff, and even if you don’t, it’s not like you’re going to feel much by that point anyway. The good news is, from the floor you’re able to see what you did wrong in pursuing this position.
Of all the tools to find in the garden shed, there’s nothing that exudes hot sex more than a wheelbarrow. This position essentially turns your bedroom into an old-school relay race. It’s basically the same as manual labour you’d be doing with a real wheelbarrow, excepts now there’s a dick in it. I’m pretty sure if you went to Bunnings to buy a wheelbarrow and found a penis inside of it, you probably wouldn’t buy that wheelbarrow; because for all intents and purposes it’s now a ‘dickbarrow’, and no one wants that. This is a slippery slope my friends, it starts with wheelbarrows but where will the home and gardening tools end. The Garden Snippers? The Lawnmower? The Sprinkler? If you’ve ever leaned into your partner’s ear and said “I wanna fuck you like a wheelbarrow tonight,” congratulations, this one’s for you.
You might be looking at this one and thinking to yourself “how would this ever work?” and our honest answer is we have no idea. Your guess is as good as ours. At least the other positions had some small glimmer of hope that they might work. This one destroys all that hope completely. As this is more like a recipe than sex, I’ll explain it in cooking terms. This is basically like a churning butter, where you plunge a stick into a skinny barrel and mix it over and over until you turn cream into butter. Of course you can figure out this is an analogy, but if you do manage to make butter please let us know, then probably go see a doctor. Another downside is this is nowhere near as much fun as making real butter.
The Pool Party
The pool seems so sexy and so sensual in movies, but in real life it’s a broken hip waiting to happen. Nevertheless, this one seems like the obvious erotic choice, because who doesn’t get horny at the smell of chlorinated water and the thought of getting funky in tepid urine. As you can probably tell, the reality is far from its sexually fantasised imaginings. Ranking lubricants, chlorinated water is near the ass end of the list, above sandpaper but below mayo. Another issue is other swimmers. As if swimming in diluted piss isn’t bad enough, tainting the water with your internal bodily fluids complicates matters further. No-one wants to play Marco Polo with your floating love jellyfish.
Words by Jesse Neill
Illustrations by Sascha Tan