Published on September 7th, 20170
Slut: (n) a woman who engages in casual sex with multiple partners
By definition, I am a slut. So fuck you. Here I am.
This ‘label’ is foreign to me though. I’ve never seen myself as slut. I see myself as someone who enjoys sex. And in my universe those two things are very different. In my universe, slut is a unisex word I would use to describe a person who disrespects the act of sex. A slut is a person who disrespects the people they are having sex with.
And maybe you disagree with me (which is probable seeing as I can never step foot in your universe, and you can never step foot in mine), but why demonise me? I navigate my sexuality under a blanket of morals and rules that I believe honour the sanctuary of sex whilst being a downright whore (and loving it.)
I talk about sex a lot. I’m open to the discussion regardless of your gender or sexuality. I am genuinely and non-pervertedly interested in your sexual experiences. What turns you on? Do you like giving head? Why? Why not? What makes you feel beautiful? Why were they the best you ever had? And I’m actively listening. Every conversation I have with someone, I leave feeling enlightened. Every new perspective a person gifts you is power—it’s knowledge. The more you know about sex, the more you appreciate everyone’s unique sexuality, the better at sex (and navigating the social/emotional dynamics of sex) you become.
So why don’t you keep your unwanted options to yourself, sit back, shut up and maybe take notes? Because this slut is an emotionally intelligent, strong, respectful woman. You’re just pissed because I’m having better sex than you are.
- Be honest about your intention
If you’re looking for casual sex, tell it how it is. We’re not mind readers. We have no way of knowing what the emotional state of the person we’re fratinising with is or what they’re currently looking for in a partner. Why not save weeks of tedious bullshit, obsessive thoughts and the fear of hurting someone’s feelings and just ask—or tell.
See, if I want to get down with someone I’ll let them know before the encounter takes place (if possible). When I shoot off that message, I’m straight up. It’s: hey, I’m in the mood to hang out and fool around, let me know if you’re down. And hey, you might look at that behaviour and think, ‘Shit, Nicole is throwing her vagina around like a goddamn frisbee’. But in my universe, I’m being polite. I’m allowing the other person to process my desire and allow them to make the decision in their own space where they’re not going to feel pressured or obligated to do something they don’t want to do.
- Take charge of your sexuality
There. Is. Nothing. Desperate. About. Actively. Seeking. Sex. If you’re thirsty, you go to the kitchen, you get a glass and you turn on the tap. You don’t just put your cup outside and sit around waiting for it to rain so you can be satisfied.
- Read the vibe
You hit them up and they didn’t reply? Who cares. Don’t mourn that loss. Own your shit. Think about what a great fuck you are and how sorely they just missed out. Then move on. There’s no point wasting time on people that don’t have time for you, casual or not.
Likewise, if you’re into someone and you have a sense that the feeling is unreciprocated, why go out of your way to force it? Learn to recognise individuals that see you, and are mutually attracted to you. I guarantee you’re going to have much more expressive sex if you hook up with someone that rode into town on the same bus as you, rather than jumping on because they didn’t have money for a cab.
- Really be friends
If you can’t hang out with the person in a non-sexual setting and have an enjoyable experience, what’s the point? You’ve had your mouth on places of that person’s body where most mouths don’t go. It’s an intimate and vulnerable experience. Respect that. Without friendship, how can there be understanding? Without understanding, how can there be care? Without care, how can there be trust?
- Learn to separate the lover from the friend
This is especially vital if you’re into having long term fuck-buddies (me) but worried about the collision course of catching feelings (me). Well, one, you need to accept the reality that if you’re going to fall for someone, you’re going to fall for them. But sex can be a confusing thing. One minute you’re cool, the next they’ve given you an orgasm, your body is flooding with oxytocin and suddenly you’re fictionalising your future together. Educate yourself! Research what chemical changes occur in your body during sex. It’s truly fascinating—and empowering! When you learn about yourself and your unique sexuality you start to understand what certain instinctual reflexes mean and you can take the appropriate steps to avoid being involuntarily heartbroken.
I’m the type of person who enjoys intimate and sensual sex, which is hard because I’m simultaneously floating around trying to keep things mighty, mighty casual. But it’s just about setting boundaries (and being flexible with those boundaries as your ride the constant head-fuck of emotions). For me I find it beneficial not to talk over text, only use text to organise catch-ups, as having frequent communication with someone confuses my emotions.
Their boundaries don’t match your own?
Like, just don’t be a dick, yeah?
But this whole boundaries thing makes a hell of a lot more sense if you respect yourself. Love yourself. Hold yourself up. Look your ego in the mirror and say not everything is about you. If someone doesn’t want to do something with you, or no longer wants to do the thing you used to do together, retrain your brain so that your first assumption isn’t always that something is wrong with you. You are good enough—but being ‘good enough’ doesn’t mean you’re what someone else is looking for.
- Stop thinking that ‘casual’ must walk hand-in-hand with ‘meaningless’
Every single interaction with another human being is a relationship. You have a relationship with every single person you sleep with in one form or another. Even that forced smile of ‘oh-sweet-jesus-fuck-no-ah-just-be-polite’ is a relationship between you and that person you were wishing you wouldn’t run into. There is something to be learnt from every relationship in your life. Maybe you learnt something about yourself. Or found a new kink. Or they put you onto a great Netflix series. Or showed you an amazing song. Or that shower sex is never as good as you think it will be.
The concept that casual sex is meaningless is really what demonises the slut. There is the idea that there is something wrong with the slut, that the slut is damaged goods. So damaged that they cannot find a stable and loving partner.
Hi, my name is Nicole O’Rielley and I like to fuck—as much as possible. Hi, my name is Nicole O’Rielley and I am in love with human vulnerability; I am in love with the moment; I am in love with finding the meaning in the seemingly meaningless.
But by definition, I am a slut.
Words by Nicole O’Rielley.
Image by Jessica Collicelli.