Review: Seven Days, Seven Sins, Seven Breakfasts

What does your breakfast say about you?

We have all been told that breakfast is the most important meal of the day; but with so many options to choose from when it comes to that first bite in the morning, how can anyone decide? I’m here to simplify things for the sleepy bed-haired student who needs to wipe that crusty stuff out of their left eye, by reviewing what breakfast works the best on what day and which sinful state of mind you should be in to do it.

 

Monday – Sloth: Cereal

It’s Monday, no thanks. As a certain overweight ginger cat said on more than one occasion, “I hate Mondays.” It is important to note that nothing in the history of the universe has ever been achieved of any great importance on a Monday morning. Your breakfast is no exception. Sloth is completely accepted by all people of right mind and common sense on a Monday. Recommended cereals are those with enough sugar to make you resemble a functional human being or alternatively you may go for a healthier option and try some bran that tastes like the box it came in.

2 ½ stars out of 5

 

Tuesday – Lust: Pancakes with strawberries, whipped cream and syrup

Lust is in the air. You’ve never wanted that sweet, sexy weekend more than you do on a Tuesday. Now that Monday’s horror is nothing more than a mere shadow lurking in your memory, you can now finally get back into some sort of routine. Brush your hair, apply your face scrub and pick out some clothes that don’t have the tell-tale curry stains of someone who hates doing washing as much as they hate doing the dishes. Treat yourself to a rich and tantalising breakfast of pancakes with strawberries, whipped cream and syrup. Now that breakfast is finished, get out there and werk.

4 stars out of 5

 

Wednesday – Wrath: Breakfast Burrito

So, Tuesday was filled with the highs of expectation, of wants and needs. You lusted and were lusted after. Well good for you, because now hump day is here to f**k your sh*t up. Waking up and realising it’s only the middle of the week is a sure-fire way to bring out some wrath. BEWARE: As great philosophers and authors have told us for eternity, evil will always turn on evil, or something along those lines. Your wrath bubbling under the surface will bubble in your stomach after angrily gnashing down a nasty breakfast burrito as you walk to the bus stop, just daring some a**hole to give you a cheery “Happy Humpday!”

3 stars out of 5

Thursday – Pride: Eggs Benedict

You’ve made it this far, congratulations, you should be proud of yourself. The working week is almost over, if you are blessed to have a weekday job squeezed around your studies. A late lecture can only mean one thing; you’re headed down to that café, which pays its rent through your coffee purchases alone, and purchasing a plate of Eggs Benedict. During breakfast, be sure to recap all that you’ve achieved this week and any future opportunities you may have to your friend sitting opposite you. Don’t forget the obligatory Instagram picture.

4 stars out of 5

 

Friday – Greed: Avocado and Poached Egg

Fri-yay! Think of all the possibilities tonight and the weekend holds. You visualise hundreds of scenarios as you spring out of bed, and you want them all. There’s only one coffee pod left in your share house but you’re going to take it anyway, who cares, it’s Friday! On the train you’ll sit back, take up two seats and think of all that the weekend owes you. There is only one breakfast that can suit your mood, a greedy plate-full of Avocado and Poached Eggs. You, greedy millennial, you.

4 stars out of 5

 

Saturday – Gluttony: Full English Breakfast

Saturdays are for the breakfast. A real breakfast, a gluttonous barrage of artery clogging goodness. Saturdays are for excess. Lots of toast, lots of egg, lots of bacon and all the sides. Lots of Sun, lots of fun, lots of everything on Saturdays. You have permission to be a glutton for one day of the week, and today is the day. Uni can be put aside, that family lunch can be skipped, all in the name of personal indulgence, whatever that may be.

4 stars out of 5

 

Sunday – Envy: Bottle of Gatorade

Speaks for itself really. This is the time you envy everyone who didn’t go out last night. Sundays suck.

 

Words by Simon Telford

Illustrations by Sascha Tan

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