How to be Awesome at Sex

By Genevieve Novak

Women’s magazines the world over are splattered with articles such as, “10,001 ways to give a handy,” but men are not extended the same courtesy. I, a kind soul and banging queen, am here to present you with 5 ways to be awesome at sex – none of which involve putting a doughnut around your penis and making your girlfriend eat it off.

Trust me, I’d know. After all, I have had sex 4.5 times.

Gold digger. If you’ve got to indulge her in a spot of foreplay, make it count. Few men know that a vagina is not all that different to the space between your standard set of couch cushions. During foreplay, 10/10 girls will respond to a technique that is not unlike digging for a lost 10-cent piece, or else an aggressive rendition of air quotes. Try it, and then email me so I can say I told you so.

Mark your territory. You best brand your broad so no one else gets up on that. Somewhere. Anywhere. Plant a dirty great hickey on her neck, particularly if you know she has a job interview or church group meeting in the morning. Did she mention that her skirt was new? Ruin it. You know what I mean. Bonus points if you do it early on – no one likes a time-waster.

Defy her expectations. Drink a lot beforehand. I don’t mean a jagerbomb for courage. I mean pound gin and tonics for a couple of hours, and then head over to her place. Women will take your inability to get or maintain an erection as a challenge: bitches love challenges. Why do you think so many women play sodoku? Your dick is sodoku. Make her work for it.

Get nasty. Girls with high self-esteem aren’t good in bed because they don’t have to be. I don’t care how good looking your sex friend is, I bet she could use being knocked down a peg or two. When things are getting heated, or indeed, when you are inside her, look up mid-motorboat and say something like, “You haven’t done this a lot, have you?” Nice guys don’t finish last, they don’t finish at all.

Afterglow. It’s over. You’ve finished. She hasn’t, but who gives a –? Listen, “female climax” is a myth propagated by people who want to see you fail. By staying to cuddle, you are making yourself weak and vulnerable, and your sex friend will soon take to naming your privates and using them as puppets. By the end of this list, you’re already so awesome at sex; I bet you’ve got six other sex friends to attend to before the night is over. As soon as you can feel your toes again, hop up, pull on your trousers, give her tit a honk goodbye and get out of there.

There you have it. It’s that simple. No matter what any movie starring Ryan Gosling tells you, sex is the ultimate selfish act. If you fling your used condom on the nearest Hello Kitty teddy, pile of clean laundry or framed photograph of her grandmother, you’ll have that mami crawling on hands and knees for more of what you got to offer.

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