You’re doing it wrong sports fans

By Max Burford

I love sports, and I’m not alone in doing so. It is estimated that as many as four billion people watched at least some part of the 2008 Olympic opening ceremony. That is 60 per cent of the entire Earth’s population. Unfortunately a lot of these fans are a few red tins short of a carton. There are those who jumped on a sports team just because “Oh yeah man, LeBrown Jordan has been favourite player since I was five” or others who feel like ridiculing their own football team’s gameplan from the stands makes them an important figure in society. These idiots provide both entertainment and frustration to all who come into contact with them and today we are going to look at a few examples of these “sports fans”.


There are just some people in the world so hopelessly inadequate at commenting on sports that when they open their mouth, anyone with half a brain is treated to intellectual wit on par with a deceased goldfish. Let’s start with Miami Heat fans. Now I know there are a few genuine fans of the team who can even correctly spell Dwyane Wade’s first name, but in reality most of these “hardcore fans” know that the Heat roster consists of LeBron, Wade, that guy who looks like a dinosaur and…those other guys (this goes for you too Manchester City fans so please pay attention). Now if you could just turn to Jimmy Kimmel outing bandwagon fans here for some insight into what it is like to be a bandwagoner that’d be great.

But hey, they were put on the spot right? Maybe they just weren’t thinking straight in front of the big camera and pretty lights. They would have spoken with more intelligence if they had time to sit at their computers and write up praise for their team right? Right??

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Nate Robinson played for the Chicago Bulls last year, adibi_7. You had the time to follow him on Instagram and comment on a photo that he has uploaded, but you didn’t have time to watch a single game where this player that you “love” has played for the Heat…because that has never happened. Please pull your head out of your ass before your do some actual damage to society.

Aw Max, surely he just made an honest mistake though!? People go back and correct themselves all the time, just like our friend Risa here:

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Maybe I can forgive the “there,” “vsing” and “eachother” if our homegirl here was making a valid point and in fact correcting her earlier incorrect statement. Unfortunately she is not. Reassess your basketball fandom please, Risa.


What about we turn our attention a little closer to home? The last ever Showdown at Footy Park will be held this weekend and the two rival fan-bases have been working themselves into frenzied anticipation. I love the football, but sometimes attending matches is made difficult by the intelligence level of those around you. Supporting your team is great, bagging the umpires every now and then I can usually deal with, but for the love of God do not yell out coaching advice when you are sitting there in general admission seats with two beers in one hand and a hot dog in the other. The reason you are sitting in that seat with your expanding waistband, eight kids and grubby tracksuit pants is that you in fact are not an AFL coach and most likely know next to nothing about how to do it.

I went and watched my beloved Port Adelaide team play Brisbane last week. It was obvious to anyone with a set of eyes that Brisbane were playing two loose defenders for most of the match. That means kicking the ball long to a contest is not a good idea right? No mate, it is a bloody fantastic one according to the “coaches” who I sat near that were belting out “kick the f#%$ing ball” every time we touched it. Here is a sketch of their gameplan for Ken Hinkley to appraise (G’day if you’re reading this Kenny, love your work.)

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Please don’t ruin my day at the football unless you have something mildly intelligent to say.


Although I could go on, we will finish with the sport that is currently capturing the nation’s attention; Ashes cricket. It is no secret that Australia has been excessively average this series, with our batting the main concern. Gone are the days of Matty Hayden and Justin Langer putting on a 300 run opening stand before Adam Gilchrist came out to blast 100 off of 20 balls and we would declare at 4/1500 odd at lunch on day one.

So how do you fix our batting woes? It seems the answer of many dingbats who read the back page of The Advertiser each morning and subsequently think that they are qualified sports commentators is to bring back Ricky Ponting.

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Now don’t get me wrong, Ricky will go down in history as one of the world’s greatest ever batsmen and captains. But let’s explore this argument a little bit. Old mate Ian wants Ricky back. Here is why you should think before you speak, Ian:

  • Ricky is 38 years old.
  • Of his last 35 Test match innings, 17 of them saw him get out before he could get past 10 runs. That is nearly half.
  • He scored 18 runs in five innings during his last ODI stint.
  • His 169* for Surrey a month ago is great, but it is the cricketing equivalent of Adam Goodes having 40 touches and a couple of goals in the SANFL. Well done, but the standard is nothing compared to the highest level.

I love you Ricky and I can’t wait until VB release your talking doll to place next to Beefy and Warney, but bringing him back for the Ashes is not the way forward for Australia. Besides, he’s going to kill it in the XXXX Backyard Cricket season anyway. And Ian, if you could just stick to complaining about DRS like the rest of the country, that’d be great thanks champ.

So next time you are watching sports and you think of something you want to say to the world, please just remember that we can’t be sure that you actually are an idiot until you open your mouth and confirm it.


  1. The United bandwagon has been rolling for decades, the City one is just noticeable because there are a lot of people jumping on board it in recent times. Ask these “supporters” to name a single player for the club before 2008 and you’ll find many of these “City till I die” characters are clueless…

  2. I don’t get why Manchester City are portrayed as the bandwagon EPL team. They still have minimal success, have very minor support overseas, and have always had strong community support within Manchester. Manchester United have the most fans in the world and this wouldn’t be the case without their success over the last couple of decades. I’m not a fan of either teams FWIW.

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