Written by Stephanie Montatore
Cover art by Nikki Sztolc
Aries
Violet Beauregarde
Here to win with her ‘go big or go home’ attitude, Violet ultimately ends up with a body as big as her personality!
‘I’m the world record holder in chewing gum, I’m not afraid of anything.’
Taurus
Augustus Gloop
Death by chocolate… certainly not the worst way to go, but forever the choice of a gluttonous Taurus (honestly same).
‘I’m eating the Wonka Bar and I taste something that is not chocolate, or coconut, or walnut or peanut butter…’
Gemini
Veruca Salt
The OG strategic, two-faced, salty ‘bad nut’.
‘If you won’t get me a squirrel, I’ll get one myself.’
Cancer
Grandpa Joe
Was just there for the nostalgia and some emotional support while children literally got executed.
‘I’d give anything in the world to go back in and see what has become of that amazing factory.’
Leo
Mike Teavee
Did not even like chocolate and STILL won a golden ticket! Clearly Leo’s win at life, but not at Wonka’s factory.
‘In the end I only had to buy one candy bar.’
Virgo
Mrs Bucket
Self-made hustler; cooking cabbage soup on the daily and just trying to keep the grandparents contained.
‘Nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage.’
Libra
Ms Beauregarde
Kris Jenner walked so this mumager could run (but she would never break a sweat in her perfectly pristine turquoise tracksuit).
‘She [Violet] is just a driven young woman, I don’t know where she gets it!’
Scorpio
Mr Salt
Would do anything for family… except give Veruca her Pony.
‘Veruca dear, you have many marvellous pets.’
Sagittarius
A herd of Oompa Loompas
Always here for a good time (or random flash dance). Goes a little too hard on the Bondi Sands.
*singing* ‘Oompa-loompa, Oompa-loompa, Oompa-loompa, Oompa-loompa, WEE!’
Capricorn
Mr Teavee
Just sad that kids these days do not stay kids for long because ‘back in his day…’
‘Most of the time I don’t know what he [Mike] is talking about… kids these days with the technology.’
Aquarius
Willy Wonka
So delectable and darn good looking… but that is just his chocolate. HA.
‘Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!’
Pisces
Charlie Bucket
Wholesome AF. Has a heart as gold as his ticket.
‘I found it! The last Golden Ticket!’
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