By Samuel Smith
First of all, let me get one thing straight. I’m not some kind of pep talking pimp daddy dating pro. To be honest, I have no fucking clue. Never in my life have I attempted to ‘pick up’ at a bar, BUT, my friends, as I’ve remained mysterious and elusive (or forever alone, depending which way you look at it), I’ve been able to watch the world go by. I know how things work. As a fly on the wall, I’ve witnessed the soaring highs and hilariously low lows of hormone-drenched, acceptance-seeking young adults attempting to ‘score’.
I now feel that it is time to share my findings with you all. Join me as I recount my memoirs, and share with you a few handy tips when it comes to picking up that oh so special (or more often, not special at all) someone.
Play it cool: Don’t be too forward. “Hey baby, I want to take you home and have sex with you” was a line thrown to a friend of mine at a club. Needless to say, a simple “hi” would have sufficed.
Think of conversation beforehand: Okay, some personal experience here. I was once on a date and forgot how to talk. My communication skills were no more. Out of pure desperation, I distinctly remember panicking and somehow dropping the line: “Isn’t it sad how people keep birds in cages? I think they just want to be free.” For the record, I don’t care that much about birds. I could have rectified the situation by preparing some simple conversation starters.
Don’t be a pussy: “You’re making my eyes rain” was a text that my sister’s friend received from a guy after she rejected him whilst out. Read it again, it gets worse. While the ‘sensitive type’ is always in demand, there’s ‘sensitive’ and then there’s ‘emotional wreck’. I’d like to say there’s a fine line but there isn’t.
Don’t tell people how depressed you are: There’s really no bigger turn-off than finding out just how much someone hates their life. “I just have…*insert optional sob*…so many issues going on right now,” said a friend to his prospective date at a party last year.“Oh shit…that sucks,” she replied, then walked off to eat spring rolls and flirt with his best friend.
Don’t act dumb: Girls, avoid the terms ‘random’, ‘lil’ bit crazy’, ‘LUV’, and please don’t mention your ‘girlies’. Also don’t ever use the word ‘bubbly’ to describe yourself. Guys, avoid “Hay, babe”, the word ‘aye’, talking about how much you like beer, talking about how drunk you are or mentioning how many times you go to the gym.
Don’t try to act smarter than you are: You’re probably fairly intelligent. I don’t really know that many truly stupid people. I do, however, know a lot of people who try to prove how smart they are by using terms/words that a) they don’t understand, b) can’t use in sentences, or c) are completely unnecessary. My best friend told me he was once with a girl when they passed a billboard with a skinny model on it. She turned to him, horrified, and said, “Ryan, I don’t get it. Why are all these girls so emasticated?” Sorry, I laughed just writing that. In conclusion, no one knows ‘ALL THE WORDS’, so in date scenarios, stick to the ones you’re comfortable with and practice the others at home.
AND NOW (drum roll optional)…the big one.
Be yourself: Yes, you probably just vomited in your mouth. It’s disgusting, cliché and lame, but suck it up; if I’m going to give any advice, this would be it. Be yourself and you automatically avoid all the potential disasters listed above. Be yourself, and you’ve got way more of a chance ‘picking up’ someone who you actually like (“WHAT?! Actually LIKE?” I hear you ask).
So guys, next time you’re hunched over the bar, looking to tell the nearest honey that you wish she was DSL so you could get high-speed access, stop, take a moment and reflect. Maybe she ain’t after your bling bling, and maybe she doesn’t want to feel your bicep. Girls, same goes for you. Next time you see potential Mr Right (or uh…Mr ‘Right Now’), stop and think. Maybe he doesn’t care how many calories you consumed today, maybe he wants a conversation, and maybe (just maybe) he doesn’t want to see you play suggestively with your ten dollar tongue ring.