Words by Nina Phillips (an existential nihilist astrologer)
Feature image by Netflix
Jun 21 — July 22
“Now if you excuse me, I need to go take a shower so I can’t tell if I’m crying or not.”
Let the tears flow Cryanne, we see you. It’s okay not to be okay.
Jul 23 — Aug 22
“Sometimes life’s a b**** and then you keep living.”
Challenges, like an ocean filled with spaghetti, may flood your world this month. Keep your head held high and house stocked with as many pasta strainers as possible.
Aug 23 — Sept 22
“The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t the search for meaning; it’s just to keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you’ll be dead.”
Don’t be a sad dog. The moon is in Virgo today, it’s time to get busy, busy, busy!
Sept 23 — Oct 22
“Look, for a lot of people, life is just one long hard kick in the urethra.”
Whether you’re a Zoe or a Zelda, groin protectors—in the form of fun, friendship and love—may come in handy this month.
Oct 23 — Nov 21
“It gets easier. Every day, it gets a little easier. But you gotta do it every day—that’s the hard part. But it does get easier.”
Getting in shape, setting up a brick joke, becoming the governor of California, it all takes time and effort. Stick it out Scorpio, perseverance is key.
Nov 22 — Dec 21
“I’m responsible for my own happiness? I can’t even be responsible for my own breakfast!”
Mercury may be in retrograde, but ultimately it is your actions, and chocolate chip pancakes, that determine your future.
Dec 22 — Jan 19
“You turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”
Todd Chavez and the Hokey Pokey gods have spoken. Change comes from within.
Jan 20 — Feb 18
“Fool me once, shame on you, but teach a man to fool me, and I’ll be fooled for the rest of my life.”
Self-determined foolishness is as ludicrous as a Halloween store in January. This month, step back, remove your blinkers and examine your actions.
Feb 19 — Mar 20
“My life is a mess right now and I compulsively take care of other people when I don’t know how to take care of myself.”
Though admirable, sooner or later your benevolent nature will run you dry. Treat your inner Princess Caroline to a good dose of self-care.
Mar 21 — Apr 19
“When you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”
Much like employing beloved character actress Margo Martindale to sabotage your friend’s rock opera, learning to recognise negative forces in your life may seem like an overly complicated and perilous mission. However, it’s important you do and we’re rooting for you Aries!
Apr 20 — May 20
“It takes a long time to realise how truly miserable you are, and even longer to realise it doesn’t have to be that way.”
Embrace your inner Cuddlywhiskers this month with a bit of introspection. Ask yourself, wassup bitches?
May 21 — June 20
“Well, that was another in a long series of regrettable life choices.”
Ah Gemini, don’t beat yourself up. A regrettable life choice today is a guiding force for tomorrow! Tell those annoying voices in your head to go suck a dick, dumb shits!
This piece was originally published in Edition 35 of Verse. View it in its original PDF form via ISSUU.