I’m a backpacker. And shit, we fuck like rabbits. But that’s hardly surprising isn’t it? Put a bunch of twenty somethings in new mysterious locations; add alcohol, accents and freedom. It’s backpacking culture at its finest. In fact, science even backs this with research stating backpackers tend to be even more promiscuous than most, with sex more likely to be “unconventional and adventurous” as “an integral part of the adventurous ethos of the backpacking experience” – but hey, any traveller could tell you that.
So here we are. Dorms. Boats. Bathrooms. Music festivals. Cobbled European alleys. It’s time to navigate the hookup culture abroad and the fine art of dirty hostel sex.
The Private Room
It’s the most obvious answer to all your problems. It’s the privacy other hostel accommodation lacks and the respect your roomies deserve. But private hostel rooms are expensive and I know my budget can’t accommodate the ‘possibility’ of a hookup, so read on you horny bastards.
It’s undeniable the bathrooms are infested with sexual activity… but try not to hook up in the morning when people are showering. A hostel I once stayed at basically catered to it with an upstairs lockable bathroom that everyone shared their sex stories in. But some hostels don’t have locks on their showers, opting for more communal showering experiences, so proceed with caution.
Who spends all night doing laundry anyway? Plus, I’ve heard it’s quite the experience doing it on a working washing machine – wink wink, nudge nudge.
Avoid the top bunk
Insist on going at it in the room? I’ve been there, but avoid the top bunk. You’ll probably traumatise the person underneath and wake the entire dorm. Top bunks are always squeakiest. Save yourself an embarrassing early check out and claim a bottom bunk.
Stay in a large dorm
There are 40 person dorms and there are four person ones. Trust me, you ain’t hiding anything in a small room. Larger rooms also tend to be that bit noisier, meaning it might be able to mask any, ahem, disturbances.
Take it to the streets
Is there anything more romantic than doing the deed in a cobbled European alleyway? Probably – but hey, it’s not my job to tell you that. I’m here to give you places to get laid and this is a very viable option. Public sex may frowned upon, but only if you get caught.
Firstly, you’re much more likely to find someone interested in a hookup at these babies over somewhere low key. And secondly, these hostels have a reputation for fooling around, so everyone there will be much more lenient in your conquests.
So now you know where to take your one-night lover, but where do you meet these beautiful people in the first place? Well the best place is in the hostel itself, especially at their pub crawls. Other fan favourites include tour groups like Contiki, music festivals, Tinder and your local bar or club. Easy.
Just one final note before I leave you to smash uglies, BE SAFE. Yeah, you really don’t want to catch yourself an STI or a pregnancy on holiday, especially if you’re travelling long term. Screw each other responsibly. But also be safe in the literal term. Don’t be the girl at my hostel who got in the car with an unknown guy in Croatia. He did a line of coke before driving her home – with his knees – while texting and getting her to pass him his beer. You better believe it. Now, go get ‘em tiger!
Words by anonymous
Illustration by Tracy Davis