Tea leaf rating: X
Exotic. Spicy. Need a nightcap? Add a splash of whiskey. Enjoy
it in the bathtub, before the rising sun, or spilling everywhere from your keep cup as you frantically run after the train. Mmm, fragrant. As for chai tea’s inbred cousin, the chai latte? Don’t even chai and convince me, brew. Adding so much milk to so many spices was a steep in the wrong direction. At least you chai-d.
Tea leaf rating: XXXXX
Oh matcha, where have you been all my life? A fine powder of green tea leaves, this silky smooth blend has enough caffeine to keep you going without the added coffee-induced anxiety. Check out Phat Coffee on Hindley for a mean soy matcha latte. Have fun paying $6.60, though.
Tea leaf rating: XX
Described as ‘heaven-sent’ on the label, and ‘like the scrapping from a dirty floor’ by Karen B on ProductReview, this tea is average at best. Meek and mild, legend says it can never be brewed the same twice. Stay away from the Twinings Earl Grey blend. In fact, stay away from Earl Grey altogether. Save yourself $3, drink your own piss*. It’ll be the same temperature and might hopefully taste like something.
Tea leaf rating: XXXX
Everyone has their English Breakfast moment. Mine is sharing a tea with my late grandmother before the humming heater every Thursday growing up. Oh, the nostalgia. Anyway… you can’t really go wrong with this timeless classic.
Tea leaf rating: ?
There’s obviously a correlation between the rise of this ‘drink’, and Melbourne losing its place as the most liveable city. If earl grey tastes like piss, kombucha tastes like the smell of mouldy skunk piss. I really can’t comprehend why people drink this.
Invited to a party you’d rather not be at? Nothing says fuck you like a DIY kombucha kit clad in the cheapest, nastiest bow you can find. Trust me.
This piece was originally published in Edition 35 of Verse. View it in its original PDF form via ISSUU.