Words and artwork by Emma Horner
Like riding the subway because it’s underground? Only use the microwave because you don’t like conventional ovens? Maybe you burned your tongue because you sipped your turmeric latte before it was cool. Okay okay, all jokes aside, if you answered yes to any of the above, it might not be your fault, it’s probably in your (skinny) genes…
Alright now, before we Tumblr further down the rabbit hole of hilarious puns, we must ask ourselves—is there anything a hipster can’t ruin? There is, but you probably haven’t heard of it…
Hipster Rating: I’m shook
Let’s face it, smoothies are gross. They are an amalgam of different foods and liquids smooshed up to the consistency of cement for the express purpose of getting them the hell down your throat FAST because you are super busy and need to drop your penny farthing in for a service before you forage for food in the community garden… a smoothie bowl just looks to me like more work to make and twice as long to consume. Snatched!
Hipster Rating: So extra
You’ve got your single origin, natural process, microlot, farm gate direct, specialty grade beans from the Aldea El Coyegual region of Guatemala, so now you’re going to grind them up real slow and careful with your $450 Comandante C40 MK3 Nitro Blade Hand Grinder, and then… wait soak the grinds in cold water? For a couple of hours? Yeah lets be real, cold brew tastes like someone dropped an old teabag into a puddle of diluted, muddy water. You can miss me with that shit, hunty.
Activated Charcoal Anything
Hipster Rating: It’s a lewk…
Ice-cream, burger buns, waffles, lattes, toast, macarons, pizza bases, cocktails, yoghurt, iced tea, bagels, hot dogs, even toothpaste… yes the list of perfectly fine things you can ruin with activated charcoal is extensive. It might look cool on Instagram, but activated charcoal has been disproven as a ‘detox’ aid, and in fact the only thing it will actually do for you is bind to vitamins, minerals, and phytonutrients and then suck them right out of your butt when you next hit the wiz palace. Shady.
Anything in a Mason Jar
Hipster Rating: Sksksksk
What can you put inside a mason jar? Pfff, what CAN’T you put inside
a mason jar is more like it! When John Landis Mason patented the Mason Jar in 1858, he thought he had just invented the perfect utensil for home canning and food preservation… little did he know that one hundred and sixty odd years later, some hipster asshole would use it in lieu of a light tting, illuminating the untapped potential of the humble Mason Jar. This thing can literally be anything you want it to be, from a cute napkin dispenser to a cocktail glass in an overpriced, underground prohibition style bar where a prerequisite for employment is a beard and a penchant for anything from Best Made Co.
Hipster Rating: Big yikes…
Oh my God please shut the fuck with your sriracha. Between corn chips, dark chocolate, almonds and hommus, we’ve shoved the word sriracha in front of enough mainstream foods which were perfectly ne as they were. It’s over. You ruined it.
This piece was originally published in Edition 36 of Verse. View it in its original PDF form via ISSUU.