Review: How do you wipe your bum?

Words by Nina Phillips

Feature image by Emma Horner

We’ve all heard about the mouthfeel, how a piece of food feels in the mouth, but what about the bumfeel? And no, I’m not talking about shoving a Chiko Roll up your back door.

The pillaging of supermarkets for personal hygiene supplies has finally started to lessen and the toilet paper aisle is looking significantly less desolate these days. With more variety available, you might be wondering which brands best suit your bumhole. We put five Aussie favourites to the test!

Quilton Gold 4-ply

Bumfeel: A pillowy cloud from heaven

The “never ending softness” of Quilton, celebrated by a moonwalking, toilet-paper wielding cupid in their memorable television commercial, certainly lives up to expectations in their 4-ply edition. After all, the four in 4-ply means each shit ticket of Quilton Gold 4-ply is four times softer than its 1-ply competitors, right? However, at almost a dollar a roll, is your anus worth it? Quilton loves your bum and, unfortunately, your wallet!

Kleenex Complete Clean

Bumfeel: Puppy fur

Whether you’re a scruncher or a folder, if you’re using Kleenex Complete Clean (and wiping properly) you can wiggle your tush with confidence knowing you’re completely dingleberry free! During these stressful times, its puppy fur-like softness and absorbency can offer you a reprieve from the world. Plus, there’s Labradors on the packet!

Who Gives A Crap 100% Recycled Toilet Paper

Bumfeel: Satisfyingly gentle

Soft, absorbent and durable, Who Gives A Crap nails the trifecta of loo rolls, and, as the name suggests, is made with 100% recycled paper! Embrace your inner eco-warrior on the outside… of your bumhole.

Black and Gold

Bumfeel: Abrasive paper

There are several similarities between sand (as described by Anakin Skywalker) and Black and Gold toilet paper. Both are coarse, rough and irritating. At least, in the case of Black and Gold, it doesn’t get everywhere. Or rather, it reduces the chance of covering your clothes in caca. Sure, home brand products are subpar at the best of times and this bog roll is NOT an exception. Then again, it gets the job done.

Newspaper

Bumfeel: Uh, no thanks

Okay, I lied. This last one isn’t an Aussie favourite—it’s a warning. If you’re all out of TP and you’ve finished your Sunday morning crossword and you’re thinking to yourself, “why not?…” Don’t. Trust me. It’s deceptively slippery and has zero absorption. Get some baby wipes or jump in the shower. Your papercut-less bumhole will thank you.

This piece was originally published in Edition 34 of Verse. View it in its original form via ISSUU.