Horoscopes: The Signs According to 90s TV

Written by Nahum Gale

Welcome back to the 1990s where the weirdest part about it all was (funnily enough) the television. Just consider all the weird and wacky shows that aired over the decade. A lot of those programs may have disappeared or teetered under the radar, but with our rewind Horoscopes segment at Verse, we are recommending to you some golden 90s shows that may just tickle your star sign’s fancy…

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Round the Twist

Have you ever, ever felt like this? Have strange things happened when you are watching Round the Twist? Well, of course you have you impulsive spirit. This Aussie supernatural comedy series radiates just the right amount of peak chaotic energy for your turbulent soul.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Batman: The Animated Series

Devoted? Reliable? Maybe a bit stubborn? Don’t worry, you fill out just the right criteria to clean up the mean streets of Gotham. The gothic comic book animated serial, based around the Dark Knight himself, will have you don a cape and cowl and kick bad guy butt… why? Because you’re Batman!

Gemini

21 May – 20 June

Rage

You are probably used to the radio static crackling around your head by now. Maybe you just need to settle your indecisive mind with some equally inconsistent tunes. Marinate in the fever dream that is Australia’s resident music video show, Rage (in a whisper), which, like you, seems to always be broadcasting 24/7.

Cancer

21 June – 22 Jul

Rugrats

Uh oh, someone has their nappies in a twist. But don’t let your itty-bitty mood swings get in the way of your outlandish, child-like imagination! The world is your toaster, you little rugrat. You may, after all, be the only one who knows the creative value of an animated, almost absurdist, baby adventure.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Seinfeld

If Jerry Seinfeld can make a show entirely about himself, honestly, I reckon you could too. Your unconventional passions and dominating persona go hand in hand when finding the humour in the minutiae of daily life. The titular “show about nothing” may just speak to you for all your charismatic similarities to it.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sept

The X-Files

I can see it in your eyes, in your movements, in your FBI badge, that you work much harder than anyone else to broadcast the real. Whether you are a believer like Mulder or a sceptic like Scully, sci-fi drama, The X-Files, is your perfect tool in sharpening your investigative mind. Be warned, the truth is out there!

Libra

23 Sept – 22 Oct

Freaks and Geeks

Hey dude, like, how’s it all goin’ and stuff? Are you vibin’? Goin’ with the flow? Or are you just doin’ some self-pityin’, self-actualisin’ and stuff? All cool if you are dude, just thought I would recommend some quality high school eps called Freaks and Geeks for all your angsty needs, dude. Oh, and fuck your bad reputation, man.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Cowboy Bebop

You are so sci-fi. So western. So noir. You are a hero of all flavours. But that lionhearted, secretive, sexy space pirate energy will only take you so far without the aid of a loyal crew and the action anime, Cowboy Bebop. So, with that in mind: three, two, one, let’s jam.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

I would like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how you became the prince of a town called Bel-Air. With a great sense of humour, born and raised. Free-spirited was how you spent most of your days. Chillin’ out, maxin’, relaxin’, all cool. And watching some Fresh Prince outside hours of school.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Daria

This is your stop. I see you, feet up on the coffee table, flicking through magazines at a wedding, standing in the corner of the courts on sports day. We can tell you don’t give an F. And, dude, that’s ok. Your MTV genes paint you in that Daria silhouette. Independent. That’s all I am going to say.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

In every generation, there is a chosen one. And in this one, it is you. I mean, what other independent, progressive and uncompromising spirit is going to shield us from vampires, demons, and various forces of darkness? Embrace your badass energy and take tips from the horror serial, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Twin Peaks

Ever considered the reality you exist in is just a dream? I am sure you would like that, wouldn’t you? Maybe you are the real David Lynch of your friend group and have a mind as nightmarish enough to permeate a surrealist crime drama like Twin Peaks. Either way, you are so elusive… as if anyone can really decipher your mysteries.