Words by Anna Day (also a real astrologer)
Feature image by Netflix
Aries
Eric Effiong
“Wash your hands, you detty pig.”
The planets, the World Health Organisation, and Eric have spoken. This isn’t a horoscope, it’s a public health announcement.
Taurus
Adam Groff
“Everyone’s got a picture of my lovely big dick.”
Skip to page 5 if you want to see it too.
Gemini
Lily Iglehart
“To be clear, I don’t want to have sex with you specifically. Just a human man with a penis.”
Sometimes, we think we’re asking for a lot but maybe we should ask for a little. And then you’ll get less but maybe that’s more? Size doesn’t matter Gemini, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Cancer
Aimee Gibbs
“I’ve been wanking all night. I ate four packets of crumpets, and I think my clit might drop off.”
There’s nothing left on the supermarket shelves. F**king calm down Cancer, nobody needs that many crumpets.
Leo
Jackson Marchetti
“You know, it’s weird. You’re my age, but wise. You’re like my mum… in a little man’s body.”
Mars is on the retreat, so if there are unhealed rifts in your life now is the time for you to resolve them. Often, it’s best to make the first move. Ask adversaries to apologise for their offences and buy you a cake.
Virgo
Otis Milburn
“We all have flaws, and our bodies do things we have no control over. But we can always control being truthful.”
Don’t worry, astrologers always tell the truth.
Libra
Dr Jean Milburn
“I think I realized I’d become too independent for relationships.”
Charge your crystals and keep a 1.5 metre radius. We’re social distancing, babyyyyy.
Scorpio
Viv Odesanya
“I’m chairing the algebra group then I have to write a letter to my Polynesian pen pals. Other people do have lives too.”
Venus just jizzed on Jupiter, so prioritising yourself is important at the moment.
Sagittarius
Mr Hendricks
“Ed Sheeran. I mean, say what you want about the little fella, but he’s a total genius right?”
Vitiligo is in your quarter this full moon, meaning you should set aside old prejudices. Also, avoid small, ginger-haired men.
Capricorn
Ruby Mathews
“I covet your pantsuits”
Want what you can’t have. It’ll keep you striving for greatness.
Aquarius
Maeve Wiley
“All of our brains are slowly dying. You’re not unique.”
Hey Aquarius. You’re a sensitive, feeling type. Did you know that this is because you’re ruled by Uranus and Satan Saturn?
Pisces
Ola Nyman
“You’re not a kangaroo, Otis, you’re an asshole.”
Marsupials keep it in their pouches and if the situation isn’t right, you probably should too.
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