If you picked up the last edition of UniLifeMag and browsed through Angus Randall’s Guide to pick up women, you are probably still laughing hysterically like us. We don’t like to brag, but we would like to think that we have at least a little more experience when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. So, we have written a guide of do’s and don’ts for those ladies out there who are still single and fabulous, but looking for Mr Right…or Mr Right Now.
Our guide is able to be used as an academic reference, but we are not making any promises about how successful you will be if you follow it. We do think you will have more luck then your male counterparts who may be stupidly following Angus’s advice. We cannot, however, work miracles.
- Always wear as little clothing as possible without actually contracting hypothermia or an unwanted STI from close body contact or use of public transport.
- Smile – frown lines are unattractive. Remember, happy people attract other happy people, but you do not want to come across as hysterical/scary/psychotic, or give the impression that you are under the influence of illegal substances (unless that’s the look you’re going for).
- Work the D-Floor with all your favourite moves. Note: regardless of what your level of inebriation is, always keep in mind that the robot, the funky chicken and the sprinkler are fun for girl’s nights out, but will repel prospective partners who you happen to give a black eye with over-enthusiasm. Also be sure to gyrate in the opposite direction of scary old men, no matter how rich they look.
- Take a wing-woman who knows when to save you from above scary old men, but who also knows when to push you in front of hot young (but not too young) guys. She must also refrain from telling embarrassing stories, pointing out wardrobe malfunctions and needs to know when three’s becoming a crowd.
- Be confident and outgoing, but not clingy. No one likes someone invading their personal space when you have just met, no matter how low cut your top is. Also, if you fear you may reek like a brewery/distillery, keeping a distance of at least 30cm is always a good idea.
- Accept drinks from any randoms, no matter how broke you are and how tempting the alcohol is…you will be drugged. We have seen it happen…it’s not pretty.
- Do not dance with poles/street signs/traffic lights…this may seem sexy to you at the time, but everyone else is thinking you are mentally challenged or a brazen hussy. We also recommend you do not confuse any bars/chairs/platforms with the dance floor – it doesn’t matter that boys can now see up your skirt; they still don’t appreciate you knocking over their next round of drinks.
- Go out with close male friends when looking to pick up, no matter what their sexual preferences…they will be off-putting to potential suitors, who may confuse them for your boyfriend.
- Lie about your occupation – there is a big chance you will see the person again…probably during your shift at Maccas. It will then be very awkward when he asks why you are not at your job as a flight attendant/lingerie model.
- Share your life story/ proclaim everlasting love to the boy you just met in the line up to get into the club. He may be the love of your life, but we suggest breaking that to him at a later stage…maybe in the cab on the way home?
We wish you luck in your quest to find whatever, or whoever, it is you’re looking for. This article is in no way meant to offend anyone (except Angus), so we apologise if we have done so…but we didn’t make you read it. If you have some dating tips of your own, be sure to send them to the UniLife crew as I’m sure they would love to hear them.