As we, as a society become more and more aware and enlightened about sex, there seems to be more and more pressure on us as individuals to be knowledgeable and sophisticated and just generally up for it and turned on and able to perform instantly.
You can spend an entire day watching YouTube videos about orgasms and how to have them and still not get through a fraction of them. I know, because I tried. It was weird and interesting but also a bit boring. A lot of them seemed to forget about the whole let’s have sex just because it is fun to rub bits of our naked bodies against other bits of other people’s naked bodies. Even masturbating was all about the orgasm. It was all pretty serious when it wasn’t hilarious. Try looking up energy orgasms, you can have orgasms without being touched.
Sex should be fun. And orgasms, when they happen should definitely feel fantastic. I am delighted that women’s orgasms are on the “to do” list, but they don’t need to be the only goal.
For lots of women, they just aren’t a day to day reality, for some women they don’t happen at all. For others, they can have orgasms just from working out. I want those ones, sure I would have to actually start working out but if I was going to have orgasms maybe I would start working out. But I won’t know unless I start working out so…no.
Oh and just in case you guys think I don’t care about your orgasms. I know some of you men, in fact, more and more of you, are having trouble climaxing when you are having sex. However, if you do your research, you will find that it isn’t because your partner doesn’t have a clue that vaginal sex won’t make you come and you need extra stimulation, preferably of the clitoris. It is because you have been wanking off to too much internet porn and programmed your brain and your sexual self to come to your hand and your screen, instead of the physical intimacy of another human’s body. This can happen to anyone, if you only get yourself off to one thing long enough, that can end up being the only thing you can get yourself off to. Variety is the spice of life and flexibility comes from stretching. So make sure you use different techniques, positions, vibrators, fantasies, outfits and scenery if you don’t want that to happen.
Anyway back to complaining about orgasms and how tricky they can be. Because they are slippery little suckers, try too hard, and it won’t happen, get distracted at the wrong moment and they disappear into thin air; kids, cats and dogs can all spell disaster by interrupting you. Or your partner can misinterpret your signals and think that they should CHANGE WHAT THEY ARE DOING at just the wrong moment. By the way, do not do this!
There is plenty of advice out there on how to make yourself more orgasmic, and most of it sensibly talks about the physiology and how women aren’t likely to have a “vaginal orgasm”. It is actually all about the clitoris, which is much deeper and larger than we thought. They talk about the psychology of why you may not be okay about sex and relaxing enough to come, and how getting to know your body and masturbating are very helpful. Vibrators are also an excellent investment. Think about how much you last spent on a great pair of shoes, now spend at least that on a vibrator, I promise you will get a lot more enjoyment out of the vibrator.
So stop making the orgasm the goal. Enjoy the journey. Take your time. Explore and relish in the pleasure. Relax and savour the moment. Then if you do have an orgasm, bonus.
Words by Emma Sachsse.
Image by Tracey Davis.