How do you get someone to fall in love with you? Do you ‘like’ their Facebook statuses? Not too much, of course, because that would seem desperate. But a little bit, sparingly, so they know that you like the things that come out of their brain. Perhaps you can even leave the occasional comment on their Facebook wall so they remember you; remember that they should love you.
Do you wear a flattering outfit when you go to meet them for coffee? That way you can remind them that you’re someone worth seeing naked. (It’s all an illusion anyway. How you look naked is completely different to how you look clothed but at that point, a naked body is a naked body. You can always just turn the lights off). Do I rub your knee unnecessarily like Cosmopolitan once told me to do? Will that turn you on? If you were on the fence about loving me back, would a good knee rub be the thing that pulls you onto my side of the fence?
Do I text you? Do I DM you? Do I DARE call you? You’ve called me a few times in the past and I almost passed out every time I saw your name on the screen. I thought to myself, ‘This man has balls! He must really like me!’ and you do. You do like me. That I know for certain. But I’m not interested in just ‘like.’ I’m interested in getting you to love me.
There are so many games you can play. Just thinking about the self-imposed rules of dating in our generation is enough to make me weep. Can’t I just go up to you and be like, ‘Hi. I really like
I guess it is.
So fine. I will do the right things, wear nice clothes, and say the correct words – but not too many, and only at the right time.
For the record, I don’t care if you call or text me. I won’t dock you points for using emojis or telling me that your
If you become mine and I become yours, I’ll text you endlessly, and I won’t give a shit about rubbing your damn knee.
Words by Gabriel Olaer
Artwork by Grace Plunkett
This piece was originally published in Edition 28