Horoscopes: The signs according to Tiger King

Words Jordan White (probably an astrologer, who knows?)

Feature image via Netflix

 

Aries 

Mar 21 — Apr 19

“You can see how they go from being so sweet to tearing your face off, just like that, and it’s amazing to have that range.”

You might think you know someone, Aries, but don’t forget some people would sooner turn on you than face consequences.

 

Taurus  

Apr 20 — May 20

“It’s almost a uniform. When I go in to talk with a legislator, if I go in there dressed head to toe in cat prints, people remember.” 

You, my dear, are a lioness. Don’t stress over what to wear; simply be true to yourself and you’ll drip finesse. It’s probably best to avoid leopard print, though. Best be safe.  

 

Gemini  

May 21 — June 20

“I can almost promise you some of you will be urinated on.”

Keep an open mind. Say yes to new things. Avoid can openers. 

 

Cancer

June 21 — July 22

“Political condoms. Vote for me or you’ll need these because you’re screwed.”

Look beyond your shallow universe for a change, Cancer. Focus on the bigger picture for once and count your blessings, you ungrateful brat.

 

Leo

Jul 23 — Aug 22

“One day I went out to the mailbox and it just exploded with snakes.”

The heavens will unleash supernova upon supernova soon. Ignoring something doesn’t make it go away, so choose your battles wisely and watch where you concentrate your cosmic energy.   

 

Virgo  

Aug 23 — Sept 22 

“I cried because all of our footage was in that studio and I hadn’t backed up anything…  That’s my retirement money that just burned, OK?”

These shaky markets will recover. Sit tight and remember to diversify where possible—except for spouses, because we all know how that ends. And for the love of good, back up your work.  

 

Libra  

Sept 23 — Oct 22 

“That was definitely a champagne and brie evening.”

You’ve put in hard work and reaped outstanding results. It’s time to celebrate.  

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 — Nov 21

“They say you can’t get nothing done with a monkey on your back, so you put them on your f*ing front and you can still get shit done.”

There’s more than one solution to your problems. Take ten. Re-evaluate, and try again. Think outside the box and stop making excuses for yourself. 

 

Sagittarius 

Nov 22 — Dec 21

“We’re all in cages, man.”

Best focus all your energy on toppling the bureaucracy. It’s not crazy if the tiger goddess told you to. Tigger said. 

 

Capricorn

Dec — Jan 19

“If someone wanted to kill you, they’d put sardine oil all over you.”

Pineapple is a matter of taste. I know anything technically goes on a pizza (if you’re brave enough) but anchovies?! Seriously? Grow up.   

 

Aquarius

Jan 20 — Feb 18

“I’m outspoken, good looking, love to party and have fun.”

Yes, you could go out and get shitfaced, but you could also stay in. There will be plenty of other opportunities to behave like an animal (and staying in does not equal not getting shitfaced). 

 

Pisces

Feb 19 — Mar 20

“A lot of people think that Tigers took my legs. No. It actually happened from a zip-line accident.”

Things are not always as they seem, Pisces. You may be warm, but that doesn’t mean the other signs are. Look beyond the surface and trust your gut for once.

 

This piece was originally published in Edition 34 of Verse. View it in its original PDF form via ISSUU.

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