REVIEWS: Issue 21.02

MUSIC: Dubstep (c. 1998 – present)
5/5
By The Laughing Bard
OFG [sic] I LOVE DUBSTEP. I love it like baby aliens love chest-raping people from inside their bodies. And since I’m being concise, I’ll move straight to the reason why dubstep is in fact a sci-fi topic. Dubstep is sci-fi because IT WAS INVENTED BY ALIENS. To be specific, aliens concealing themselves within the mullets of dubstep affiliates known affectionately as dub-drones. Beneath the mullet (and in fact WITHIN the mullet) the alien comptroller has tentacles buried right through the skull of the host drone and there it creates this spanking new genre called “dubstep”.

That is why dubstep is so droppingly epic. Because it is actually the latest contact we have received from aliens since Jimi Hendrix (who actually WAS an alien). This is really great and therefore I rate dubstep as 5 out of 5 alien-infested mullets. May all your drops be deep and penetrative.

EXPERIENCE: Easter (c. 34AD – present)
4/5
By Bernard “Moist-Towelette” Worthington
Well, it looks like the chocolatey moon of religiously-tainted relaxation that is the Easter holiday has rotated once more, and we are all collectively 10 billion chocolate-pounds heavier. AND WHAT A FANTASTIC FOUR DAYS OF GETTING TANK-FISHED IT WAS INDEED! All thanks to one inspiring character—the great Easter Bunny himself (loosely based on the earlier, less ‘bouncy’ myth of Christ-comma-Jesus). In fact, the only real downside to the Easter period is the addiction that necessarily follows such a period of relaxation and indulgence. You get used to boooozing, laaazing, repeatedly putting gooey brown things in your mouth and otherwise doing sweet-baby-Jesus-all.

In summary, I rather enjoyed Easter, but I don’t really enjoy it not being Easter anymore. So fuck you, Jesus (now that I’m filled with a serotonin-deprived sudden rage at the thought), for only dying-and-coming-back-to-life once in your whole damned life! I mean, if you can do it once, why not twice, or even three times!? What, did you think that one chocolate-themed, four-day holiday a year would be enough for us? Yeah right! Well, I just hope that next time you’re on Earth you do better. Hope it’s soon! I NEED MORE CHOCOLATE IN MA BELLAY.

GAME: Little Inferno (2012)
4/5
By Nicolle Vale
Little Inferno, an iOS, Wii U, and PC game from the creators of World Of Goo, can only be described as an iceberg of a game. At first it seems nice but somewhat pointless; your screen focuses on a fireplace and your only job is to collect coins, buy objects, and then burn them in the fire. At face value, this game seems like it could only keep the attention of pyromaniacs and those who are easily entertained, but it is so much more.

If you persevere with the monotonous but entrancing routine of watching things burn, Little Inferno will eventually reveal to you its wonderfully beautiful, sad, and metaphorical narrative. You will start to question the games you play. You will question consumerism. You may even question life itself!

What seems like another robotic time-waster of a game conceals within it a cynical, truthful message and is an inspiring creative concept, worthy of everyone’s attention.

FILM: Warm Bodies (2013)
3.5/5
By Shamika Moore
Nobody ever hears the point of view of the zombie. Until now. In the new movie, Warm Bodies, viewers are let into the life of the living dead through vivid internal monologues by the strange zombie, R (Nicholas Hoult). The zom-rom-com (zombie romantic comedy) is based on the zombie-human relationship between R and Julie (Teresa Palmer) and how this relationship changes everything.

As a fan of Hoult’s, I was eager to see his latest piece of work and he didn’t disappoint. His performance was, oddly enough for a zombie, heartfelt and truly funny. To be honest, I was most impressed by his lack of blinking throughout most of the film.

The movie has a lot of laugh-out-loud moments, and you really feel a connection to the characters. The relationship between R and Julie was adorably awkward (as expected), though the funniest relationship has to be the zombie bromance between R and best friend M (Rob Corddry).

The movie is a refreshing take on the overdone zombie flick, with sweet undertones, brilliant script writing and talented acting. Well worth a watch, or maybe two.

FILM: Cloud Atlas (2013)
4/5
By Ilona Wallace
Bow down and worship the God of Prosthetics. Without the mystical power of make-up magic, the Wachowskis’ film would have been hopelessly complicated and incomprehensible. Cloud Atlas, the book by David Mitchell, is told in a chronological fashion, each story falling after the next, and so explaining the links between the tales. The film takes a different tack, telling the tales through their links so that the story is fractured and unclear until the final few scenes when all the loose ends fuse into a lovely little knot.

Hugo Weaving is the quiet king of this film, effortlessly sinking into each new character. Halle Berry, Tom Hanks and Hugh Grant are all close, but not nearly a chameleon of Weaving’s calibre.

The film is beautifully dressed and expertly directed; the storyline is endlessly intriguing, and it is impossible to remain apathetic to the emotions on screen. Sometimes the make-up is too much, and some of Berry’s scenes with a young kid verge on school special cheese, but those are tiny pitfalls in the otherwise masterful movie.

FILM: Harry Potter 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7a & 7b (2001-2011)
5/5
By Claire Suzanna Moreton
How good are they

FILM: Tucker & Dale VS Evil (2010)
4/5
By Ilona Wallace
The danger of watching too many horror flicks is demonstrated in this genre-parody thriller flick. The comedy is effortless, but sometimes the gore is a little too vividly imagined, with director Eli Craig always happy to flash back to a gruesome murder scene.

Tucker and Dale are two harmless hicks, played by Alan Tudyk (Firefly) and Tyler Labine (Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes). They move out to the woods to renovate a rundown holiday cabin, when a group of college kids decide to go camping in the area. Hysterical with freedom, the students are quick to judge Tucker and Dale as Hollywood’s stereotypical backwater murderers – and when the two friends rescue/kidnap one of the college girls, the students believe their worst c-grade nightmares are coming true. With one boy lousy with bloodlust, and the others too panicky to think straight, a series of unfortunate accidents leads to an increasingly violent revenge attack.

Despite the violence, the film manages to be indescribably funny. Tucker and Dale’s friendship has a charming chemistry, and the characters are so well-performed that it’s possible to believe the absurd events could really come to pass. A top-shelf edition to any movie night repertoire.

FILM: Birdemic: Shock & Terror (2010)
0.5/5
By Ilona Wallace
Can people die of second-hand shame? After seeing this film, I’m feeling a bit under the weather, and it could well be a case of the OH-GOD-WHYs.

Remember making a video in highschool – a terrible four-minute saga that had no script, featured deadweights and drama queens, and was filmed on David Stratton’s favourite shaky handycam that always lagged a little behind the action? Take that film and stretch it out to a 90-minute endurance test.

You keep watching, hoping the funny bits will come. If it’s this bad, it must be good. Right? You will wither, weeping, waiting for the goodness.

The main character is a talentless shell controlled by a sales drone. The plot is endless and yet never seems to begin (it takes 45 minutes for the shocking and terrifying screensaver birds to arrive). The tenuous environmental message is destroyed by the utter ridiculousness: birds make aeroplane noises and explode in fiery balls; the salesbot and his girlfriend kidnap two children who seem largely unaffected by the brutal deaths of their parents; the forest-dwelling tree hugger that the cast abandon to die when the trees catch on fire.

Here’s a challenge: make it through without a drinking game.

Oh, and there’s a sequel.

FILM: Children Of Men (2006)
5/5
By Sebastian Moore
Loosely based on PD James’ 1992 novel of the same name, Alfonso Cuaron’s 2006 film Children of Men is set in a futuristic world where women can no longer procreate. The film follows Theo Faron (Clive Owen), a former radical who has lost hope in the world’s revival. Early on in the film, Theo is kidnapped by a band of rebels, headed by his former lover Julian Taylor (Julianne Moore). The group pressures Theo into retrieving illegal travel documents for an immigrant woman—and in doing so, unlocking the key to humanity’s survival.

Children of Men presents us with a disturbing vision of a neo-fascist Britain, where the people have become what we have spent the last century fighting against. The inability to procreate and the inevitability of extinction have slowly created an environment where war and terrorist acts have become a day-to-day reality, rendering most of the world uninhabitable.

Part thriller, part sci-fi, part human drama, part religious allegory, Children of Men is an Orwellian nightmare that avoids getting bogged down in its big ideas. Through his confident direction, Cuaron brings a sense of urgency to the story, providing us with thought provoking subtext whilst delivering scene-after-scene of nerve-wracking tension.