Milk – a staple of any breakfast. Whether you pour it onto your cereal, mix it in with your tea, or want to make that smoothie extra creamy, it’s one of life’s biggest decisions. With so many options in front of you at the supermarket it can sometimes be overwhelming and unsettling. Hopefully with the help of our anti-review though, it will be just that little bit harder to decide on your milky beverage of choice.
First things first, of course we had to mention ye’ old faithful. This silky-smooth liquid has a powerful effect that can either send you floating into the embrace of a creamy dreamland or frantically running to the toilet. However, if you are still drinking regular cow’s milk in 2018 you are either pretty boring or have been living under the proverbial cow’s udder for the past five years. Keep reading this not-so-encouraging list though, and you’ll find you maybe don’t have to suffer under the abuses of lactose any longer.
Whether you love your almonds activated or like them a bit more laid back, everybody’s talking about almond milk. Detractors say it’s just filtered water with sugar and a sprinkle of almonds – and they’re right. While it retains a little bit of the creamy texture of milk, it looks a lot more like dirty creek water. While some brands have a somewhat nuttier aftertaste (who would’ve thought!) beware of the unsweetened variety, they taste slightly more delicious than wet cardboard. If that hasn’t put you off Almond Milk then make sure to try it on its own first, otherwise it’ll turn your coffee to sauce and your tasty coco pops to a watery brown sludge. “Just like a chocolate milkshake…only shit.”
Ah the classic hippie alternative. Much like the Greens party in recent years, soy has lost a bit of its popularity, being overtaken by louder minority milk alternatives on the market. Soy is probably the most similar to milk in texture and creaminess, although it is an acquired taste. If you are able to accustom yourself to the tartness, it’s a great choice for gym junkies in need of some extra protein and it mixes well with coffee. However, those who aren’t used to its flavour have a differing opinion. It has once been described as tasting like the aftermath of milking a handful of wet kidney beans with your butt. I’ll let you be the judge.
Don’t worry, I was confused too – how do you milk rice? Remember all those late night Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg cooking videos you would watch to maintain a healthy level of procrastination? Martha was always telling you to wash your rice before cooking it. As it turns out, the watery sludge that’s left over in the sink after rinsing the rice can now be poured over your Froot Loops! I need to warn you though, rice milk has to be the biggest false advertisement on this list – it doesn’t even taste like rice. In fact it doesn’t really taste like much at all. It is the least digestively offensive milk, although this probably comes back to the fact that it tastes like rice infused water.
Much like rice milk, oat milk doesn’t really taste like its namesake. The only thing oat milk has going for it, is that it’s a little bit creamy and looks somewhat like milk, which can’t really be said for many of these other alternatives. In fact oat milk is kind of like your “hip” uncle who tries to be cool at family gatherings but ends up desperately clinging to his youth. He tries to impress you with hip hop slang that hasn’t been used since the mid-naughties – long forgotten tragedies such as “chillax” and “fo shizzle”. Please oat milk, stop. Just stop.
Don’t get me wrong coconut tastes perfectly fine as desiccated coconut, coconut juice, coconut cream in curries and in desserts. It’s just too strong and viciously rich to be a regular milk substitute. While it does taste a lot like coconut, as coconut milk should, it looks a lot like cloudy paint water. If you’re pouring coconut milk on your cereal every day I’d seriously reconsider your hedonistic ways. However, if you grab some rum and pineapple juice and mix it altogether with a cocktail umbrella you’ve got yourself a delicious Pina Colada – and if that’s not the perfect way to start everyday then I don’t know what is!
Words by Jesse Neill
Illustration by Sascha Tan