Yes I am that coffee snob that no one likes, and yes, I will go as far as to put in writing. You’re welcome.
Instant coffee: 3.5/5
It isn’t particularly enjoyable, yet it’s convenient and cheap, so it’s a winner in my books. I think everyone secretly agrees that a cup of Moccona Gold Blend isn’t too bad. Make sure you add a dash of milk before hot water, to avoid burning the already barely-edible, pulverised granules. Handy hint for Magill folk: you can make yourself a cup of Nescafé, for free, at the Magill USASA Counter. I’ve frequented their kitchen more times than I’d like to admit.
Long black: 4/5
If a barista can make a good long black, they can make anything. It’s hard to perfect so I don’t often order one, and when I’m irresponsibly substituting coffee for breakfast I need some of ‘dem milky calories. However, a long black is a guilt-free cup of bean juice that provides all the benefits of a caffeine buzz, without the first trimester bloating that comes after drinking milk. They’re also the perfect beverage to consecutively smash when you’re studying into the early AM hours.
Decaf coffee: 1/5
I must admit, I haven’t had decaf coffee for years. The abomination I first tried was enough to put me off forever. Perhaps caffeine-extraction methods have improved, perhaps not, but I think it’s all nonsense anyway. Caffeine is as vital to my semi-functioning body as water, sleep and the odd vegetable. I refuse to believe that any student genuinely doesn’t like coffee and maintains a solid eight-hour sleeping pattern. Stop pretending and jump on the bandwagon with the rest of us degenerates.
Soy latte: 5/5
Soy lattes are silky, sexy and sustainable. My choice cup of joe is a healthy double shot with quality soy milk, heated to an optimum temperature of 65 degrees. Not only is soy milk often healthier for you and the planet, its earthy nutty flavour compliments coffee beautifully. Unpopular opinion: Bonsoy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It has a funky kinda fruitiness, and not in a good way. Skip the bullshit and bring back the OG of soy milk: So Good.
I love piccolos, but I can rarely justify spending an odd $4 on two mouthfuls of coffee. Taking five minutes out of your day to sit and enjoy a warm cuppa is a large part of coffee culture. Although a piccolo can be good for those who need a quick dose of caffeine without the fuss, those who drink them are often the ones that fuss the most. If a piccolo was a type of person, it would be business student who has a villa in Sorrento and a Papa that’s paying their tuition upfront.
Dirty chai: 2/5
I love coffee, and I love chai, but the two are just weird together. The concept is like flavoured teas; you think they’re cool when you initially try them and spend $40 on a tin of loose-leaf, only for it to sit in the boot of your car for seven months. This interesting choice is usually ordered by middle-aged yuppies who upload unwarranted smoothie bowl pics, yet still mispronounce acai. No Tracy, you have not discovered the new ‘big thing’ before everyone else.
Words by Annabel Bowles.
Illustration by Jake Warming.