Review: Clichéd porn plots

Let’s be real here. Most of the people who watch porn dismiss the storyline elements and always skip forward to ‘the good parts.’ We get it though. You’re probably a bit distracted to be focusing your attention on the acting skills and character development. However, these elements often go unnoticed and don’t receive the attention they rightfully deserve. Here at Verse, we want to be as inclusive as possible and believe it’s integral to bring visibility towards the most underrated part of pornography. So, this review details some of the most clichéd porn plots that you should definitely be paying more attention to.

The teacher-student fling

3/5

It’s every teenager’s fantasy projected onto the computer screen in your parents’ basement. This plot makes perfect sense—combine a hormonal young person, with a lonely, controlling teacher, and you have a very plausible outcome. The likelihood of a plot hole existing in these sorts of productions is quite low, but they’re still not perfect. In reality, a person this horny probably isn’t going to be doing a very good job of teaching. However, if they have these sorts of urges, they should just become a uni lecturer instead.

The seductive step-parent

2/5

Ahh, yes, nothing like keeping it in the family. Perhaps the biggest problems with this plot are the serious psychological issues these characters face, and how they’re never addressed. This storyline is also based on the assumption that sex with your step-parent is perfectly fine because you’re not blood-related. However, the biggest turn-off with this is knowing that you’re indulging in a fantasy where you’re having sex with the same person your biological parent does. The thought of your parent climaxing is an instant boner-killer… no matter the situation.

The seductive step-parent

1/5

This would definitely have to be one of the most horrible plots, mostly because happy ending massages aren’t even that hard to cum by (see what I did there). It makes the whole situation less erotic. These plots have no real suspense as there is absolutely no doubt in either character’s mind that sex is definitely on the cards. All the other plots discussed have at least some level of uncertainty, or sexual tension. But here, it just doesn’t come as a surprise.

An extended visit at the doctor’s

2.5/5

Much like the lonely, controlling teacher, this plot is completely against the ethics of the medical field. Sure, some of us may have fantasised about going to Pound Town with a sexy healthcare professional, but you just can’t help but consider a bit of logic here. When you consider that doctor appointments are arranged when you’re ill, under what circumstance is vigorous sex ever a smart idea? It’s annoying when you have to spend hours in the waiting room, so how comfortable would you be knowing the reason for the delay is because your doctor’s having sex with every prior patient?

The plumber

5/5

This has got to be the most plausible plot on this list. Plumbers are experienced handlers of damp and dirty objects, so the transition from work to sex should almost be seamless. It also makes a lot of sense—the homeowner invites the plumber in, they start checking them out, and one thing leads to another. All of sudden, the pipes under the sink aren’t the only ones that need some adjusting. There is still one question that remains unanswered though—what happens when the plumber charges for overtime?

Words by Ryan Colsey

This piece was originally published in Edition 30.

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