Review: Superhuman abilities

Annabel has rigorously (and hypothetically) tried and tested these superhuman abilities so you don’t have to.

Time travel
4/5
If time travel allowed me to go back to the early noughties and freeze time forever, I’d be so down. Take me back to the days spent binge-watching Saturday Disney in my PJs, eating Nutri-Grain with choccie milk. I mean, I can do those things now, but somehow it’s better when there’s no one telling you to get a job. As for travelling to the future, mmm, nah. Nope. No. Let’s all carry on pretending it doesn’t exist.

Immortality
3/5
Does anyone really love life enough to wanna be here forever? I don’t know, but I reckon it’d get super boring. Could you live through the deaths of everyone you’ve ever known? Would your financial status ever let you retire? Would you stop aging? Unless I went all Benjamin Button and started growing younger and hotter … actually, can that be my superhuman ability?

Mind reading
2/5
While you could become the world’s best detective, judge, quiz show contestant, etc … I think we’re all far too sensitive and egotistical to handle knowing what everyone thinks about us. Can you also imagine this onslaught of information piled on top of the trash cans our brains already are? Just thinking about knowing what everyone is thinking gives me a migraine. Although, it would be cool to know whether my dog actually likes me, or what those eleven ‘secret’ herbs and spices really are.

Teleportation
5/5
Undoubtedly, this would be the best superhuman ability. Craving some relaxation in the form of a seaside villa? Teleport yourself to the Maldives for an afternoon. Wanna see what the view is like from the top of Mt Everest? Forget the months of preparation, the multi-day hike and the long-ass queue; just magically appear at the summit with a finger’s click! Teleportation banishes the hours, money, and strange interactions that come with transit – but that’s also half the fun in travelling.

Invisibility
1/5
I don’t need some fancy shmanzy cloak to be invisible, Harry. In fact, it’s surprisingly easy to achieve invisibility in three simple steps. One, lock yourself in an apartment (located within the reach of UberEats). Two, delete all forms of social media. Three, remain in huddled ball-like position, as to not create shadow. Wait, isn’t that something we’ve all done at some point? Surely I’m not the only one?

Words by Annabel Bowles

Artwork by Oliver White

This piece was originally published in Edition 29.