A Letter to Ms Gillard

That was fun, wasn’t it? I’m quite sad it’s over. Especially when it means no more campaign ads. All that eerie cello music and those sinister black photos! My nights shall be cold without them.

It is clearly the New Julia that is elected. Thank God you got stopped doing that impression of an opinion-less and uninspiring leader! Or maybe it was that special coverage of your changing haircuts, fashion sense and ownership of a pair of breasts. I’m glad female politicians are finally being taken seriously. If having breasts is what it takes to get you in, it’s clear why Tony lost. His are quite disappointing.

Don’t fret too much about losing an embarrassing proportion of votes to the Greens. It’s not you, it’s them. It’s them remembering what they stand for and not safely umm-ing and uhhh-ing about things that actually matter. You know, minor issues such as climate change, same sex marriage and asylum seekers. The last prejudiced Ginger that practiced major politics went to prison. Not for being prejudiced and not for being Ginger, but they may have been factors come sentencing time. Remember that.

Well, congratulations for not being Tony Abbott. And, as I’m doing pre-emptive congratulations, congratulations on your future inevitable marriage, first child and conversion to a religion during your first term. Backing down on your own opinion isn’t a bad thing, it is just a conservative thing. Remember, there is no such thing as an Atheist, unmarried, childless Australian.

Oh, and about Mark Latham – if he gives you any more shit, you’re still Prime Minister. He never was. He probably still cries about it.

After all this fuss and bother, don’t let us down. And pay no attention to those faceless men behind the curtain. You’re the only leader of the Liberal party. Or do I mean Labor party? Oh well, same thing.

Love (well, love in a twenty year long disappointing marriage sort of way),