More Manliness

By Jeremy Cocks

I was told by someone that we need more manliness in this magazine. Now, as a man, I will tell you right now that my balls are absolutely huge. They are at least 6ft in diameter. I had my first pair removed (they are now in Rundle Mall on display), but they grew back after I ate a 200ft steak in five minutes.

Here is a list of things that apparently make you manly.

Pub Crawls: Ah, pub crawls – wearing a stupid t-shirt while stumbling around to every pub in Adelaide for drink specials with about five people you actually study with and another 20 sexual predators who will only say “mate” all night. Last time I checked, going around getting drunk was just called a Saturday. Do you know what most of society thinks when they see those shirts come rolling down the street? It’s often a warning sign; you are an advert for natural selection. Congratulations. All the while, I don’t see how this makes you any more manly at all. If there was a manly event to be held, it would be a beard combing competition or a penny farthing race contest.

Your Clothing: Today, the image of manliness is a total joke. Current ‘manly’ trends seem to consist of acid washed jean shorts, vests with logos on them that don’t even make sense, fluoro t-shirts with dumb 90s references on them, and guys with hair like Brock from Pokémon if he had a prostate check in a tornado. I am going to vomit. Just stop. Then maybe Cotton On will go out of business and I can stop worrying about what my nan will get me for Christmas.

Da Club: What the hell does this even mean? When I go to a club nowadays, it feels like I am at the old watering hole in the middle of the African desert. Next time you are on a dance floor, look around; it’s basically a mating ground. It’s actually pretty damn gross, and with a man to woman ratio of around nine to one, you are bound to find the love of your life.

Dubstep: If there is a genre that you have managed to ruin, it’s dubstep.

Jaeger Bombs: They don’t even get you drunk, you pussy.

Sport: Sport does not make you manly. Running up and down a field in short shorts tackling dudes is the exact opposite of manly.

In fact, it’s ironic because figure skating is apparently the most womanly sport but the plusses of it are awesome:
– You get knives attached to your foot.
– You get to hold a woman by the gooch.
– You get to run around on knives listening to kick-ass music, and if anyone asks you otherwise you can spin kick them in the face and slit their throat.

Only the following sports should be allowed:
– Foxy Boxing.
– Women’s Soccer.
– Women’s Volleyball.
– Ice Hockey, but for people with gigantic arms.

I can’t write anymore due to restrictions on how many hate-filled words I can play with, but if you need information on anything, feel free to tune into things that are actually relevant. People seem to lack common knowledge about important things (thinking that Kony 2012 was relevant at all), and invest their time in stupid things no one cares about (cars, how women are apparently another species and reading about what some girl with gigantic jugs does on the weekend)