Life Lessons with Auntie Kip

By Kyra Evanochko

Lesson topic: How not to answer the ‘do you realise how fast you were going, ma’am?’ question

At nine o’clock tonight I had my first encounter with a police officer due to my off-chance, haphazard driving in the ‘burbs. Lights blow, red and blue, whirling like an anxious disco ball. Uh oh, I guess this is where I pull over, get out of my sweet dust-encrusted ride, squint into the officer’s eyes and stumble with my words like I’m at my very first night of YMCA Speed Dating. I wonder if my expansive knowledge of NCIS police interactions will be kosher in the real world.

Officer: ‘Do you realise how fast you were going?’
Me: ‘Not that fast?
Officer: ‘You were clocking ten Ks over the speed limit.’
Me: ‘Oh, really? I had no idea.’
Officer: ‘Were you in a rush somewhere?’
Me: ‘Ah, not really. I guess I was just in a Zen state from my yoga lesson I was just at.’
Officer: *unimpressed face*

This is about the time I know I’ve got an obscene fine regardless of how much I say, do, cry or try and convince the
officer that I’m worthy of a ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ card by swaying him with a stick of pine-lime Extra and thirty cents that I found wedged in the passenger seat. So, I thought to myself, what the hell. I might as well make the most of this first-time experience and possibly add another $200 dollars onto my donation to my favourite charity, the Australian Tax Office, due to my cocky attitude. And it went a little bit like this:

Officer: ‘Sorry, what colour is your car? Is it maroon?’
Me: ‘Are you kidding me? I’d say it’s more of a cabernet wine red. Or a deep plum. Take your pick.’
Officer: *unimpressed face*
Officer: ‘So, your fine today is $#%()*%()#$% dollars and 51 cents. You must pay your expiation notice within 30 days of today’s date via cash, Mastercard, Visa or American Express.’
Me: ‘D’you reckon they have student discounts?’
Officer: ‘Yeah, nah. Don’t reckon.’ *looks at his police buddy and rolls his eyes*

I think it went well. We totally bonded. BFF LONGTIME.

Life lesson #1: Don’t speed! Avoidance is the key with fucking HEFTY fines.